


Cicada song

by hydreigonfan



Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: Character Study, FEELINGS ARE WEIRD, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Light Angst I Think, M/M, References to Depression, Soulmates, depression kinda (mild??), it's not heavy but it's there, just good ol talking about your feelings, natsume and tanuma are in love what's new, not the au kind, projecting too much, references to natsume's past, tanuma-centric, they are just perfect for each other, they won't let each other be self deprecating bc they love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:40:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28136328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hydreigonfan/pseuds/hydreigonfan
Summary: Natsume and Tanuma talk, more honestly than they probably ever will in canon.Just some rambling about emotions and how ppl experience them differently. Also super fluffy (Tanuma gets well deserved hug). <-- And if that's not enough to make you read this are you really a Tanuma fan???Also no internalized homophobia or anything like that (we are tired of that).
Relationships: Natsume Takashi/Tanuma Kaname
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	Cicada song

**Author's Note:**

> Btw if you ship Natsume with Natori or Matoba my work is not for you. Natsume is a minor. Natori and Matoba are adults.  
> That is all, I hope you have a good time reading this!

”I..”

Natsume watched as Tanuma’s face scrunched up in an ugly grimace.

“You really don’t mind? Listening, I mean? I honestly don’t know if there’s even a point in telling you. It’s not really gonna make any of us gain anything and.. I don’t think it’s gonna be fun to listen to either.”

The raven haired boy smiled an uncomfortable smile and let out something not unlike a laugh.

“I guess I can’t really change my mind now that I’ve built it up though, can I? You’re too stubborn to let it go anyway.”

Natsume was gonna say something like “of course I’ll listen” or “I want to get to know you better, so please tell me” but the last remark (above all, the fond ring to it) caught him off guard. 

“I’m not that stubborn.” he said in a mellow voice instead, unwillingly pouting a little.

“You are.”

They were sitting outside Tanuma’s room, a weak light shining through the sliding doors and reflecting on the gentle ripples of the yokai pond. Since his father was away doing his usual exorcist business, Tanuma had invited Natsume over earlier that week. For some reason Natsume hadn’t been able to shake off the feeling that something would be a little different this time. It looked like he hadn’t been wrong. Thankfully, Nyanko-sensei had agreed to stay away after being bribed with some food. “I’m going out drinking that evening anyway.” the cat had later teased him. “And I’ve had enough of you and that boy. You’re both too strange, even for being humans.” Natsume hadn’t let that slide too easily, but gave up when the lucky cat threatened to interrupt them despite saying he wasn’t interested earlier.

There was definitely something important behind the way Tanuma was acting. Natsume couldn’t help but think about the fact that they were similar after all. They both had so much to hide and so much to tell. Obviously, Natsume knew all humans were like that. Everyone were so much more beneath the surface, everyone had something they had never told anyone. Yet, there was something that connected him and Tanuma unlike any other person he had known. It didn’t have anything to do with the yokai or ayakashi. He just felt that more than anyone else, Tanuma got him. Perhaps other people would judge him for that, but despite him and Tanuma both being very closed off, he knew Tanuma understood him. He wanted to think he understood Tanuma too.

“You can tell me anything, Tanuma. But I think you already know that.” he looked intently into the dark eyes of the boy beside him.

He couldn’t help feeling a little embarrassed as a familiar thought popped into his head. Soulmate. This is probably what people would call a soulmate. Not even in a romantic sense (although that was another topic that would often make him blush). Maybe he really was weird to think something like this when he and Tanuma didn’t talk about things like that. But they could. They just hadn’t.

“Hmm..”

Tanuma stared out, his eyes searching for the pond Natsume loved admiring so much. He seemed to have relaxed a little.

“Okay.”

Leaning back against the sliding doors, Tanuma shifted his eyes to the almost full moon that hung high in the night sky. Natsume closed his eyes, just listening.

“I don’t really talk a lot about myself, so this might be awkward but.. I do want to tell you.”

Natsume couldn’t help but smile a little at that. Tanuma did too, Natsume could hear it from the way he spoke.

“Uh, I’m bad with words but this probably wouldn’t make any sense anyhow. Thank you for listening anyway.” Clearing his throat, Tanuma continued, this time with a serious tone. “I.. have a heard time feeling things. It’s usually very hard for me to care too. I don’t know if that sounds all that bad and I honestly can’t say that it is. Sometimes I think it saves me a lot of pain. I usually don’t get stressed or anxious either.” Anymore. “I guess.. You could say I’m kind of empty. Numb. But of course some days are better than others. This sounds corny enough, doesn’t it?”

Tanuma paused just a second to see if he’d gotten any reaction out of Natsume so far. Nothing. He continued.

“I think most people would think I’m just depressed if I told them this, but I’m not too sure. Before I moved here.. I had a couple rough years and this- this is different. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like there’s a disconnect between my thoughts and emotions. I know that I’m supposed to care. I know that I care. About my dad. About my friends. B-but. I don’t feel it. And that’s kind of scary.” A shaky breath to compose himself. “It’s contradicting, because it’s not like I don’t feel anything at all. It’s just off. Something’s wrong.” With me. He stopped himself before he was practically begging for pity. “The thing is I know this is bad. I know it’s not supposed to be like this but I don’t care enough to want to change it. If that’s even possible.”

Tanuma let the summer cicadas fill the silence for a minute. He could tell Natsume was thinking carefully how he was going to reply. He didn’t know if he wanted to hear it yet so he interrupted the insects’ song instead.

“I’m honestly afraid I’ll sound like an asshole if I tell anyone this. Maybe I am a bad person for not wanting to change. I mean, how could you not care about the people most important to you? Because despite everything, that’s what all of you are to me. It’s really hard for me to express myself, but I really don’t know what I’d do without you. I couldn’t live in a world like that. But if I say it like this it’s like I’m lying about the whole emptiness thing. A paradox is what you call it, right?” A sigh. “This really makes no sense, does it?”

“Tanuma..”

Natsume was looking at him now. Tanuma’s breath hitched in his throat and his body was making up for his lack of feelings more than enough, heart beating hard at his ribcage. He didn’t know what he was so scared of. He trusted Natsume. More than anyone. Tanuma was overjoyed at the fact that he had finally met someone like him. It was just that the dim moonlight colored his hair, eyelashes and cheek a lighter hue, making something in Tanuma’s stomach twist. This was highly unlike him. Or maybe not so much, this was Natsume sitting next to him after all.

Before Natsume could say anything more, a deep red rose to Tanuma’s cheeks and he had no choice but to say the words he’d bitten back for months now.

“B-but you’re different Natsume.”

The other boy perked up at the mention of his name.

“I feel like you understand. I know you wouldn’t think of me as a bad person. Because I trust you.”

Natsume’s mouth was parted, like he was surprised to hear this. He shouldn’t be, Tanuma thought. A sudden impulse rang like a bell inside his head. _Natsume’s hand._ No. He shook his head. Better to get it all out before getting distracted.

“I get excited when I’m around you Natsume, I love talking to you and I’m happy even just thinking about you. I do feel something, I just know this. My body does too, because it turns warm on the inside and my heart beats a little faster with you near me. And I-”. 

_Screech._

The wheels carrying his train of thoughts suddenly came to a halt. What was he saying? 

Infinitely redder, Tanuma realized that sounded a little too much like something just a friend wouldn’t say. Uh.

Slowly, he turned his attention back to Natsume- which didn’t help at all. Tanuma had never seen him blush like that, and if his thoughts weren’t a tornado of nonsensical words already, they were now.

“I-I. Sorry. For dumping all of this on you like that. I shouldn’t have, hahaha.” _Haha?_

Calming down his outer demeanor, Tanuma felt the hole inside him open up again. His heart was still beating hard, though. Another sigh.

“You can go home if you want, Natsume. It’s okay.” Was it really? Maybe. (It wasn’t.)

“Tanuma.” And that was a gentler voice than the raven haired boy had ever expected to leave his friend’s mouth.

“Do you like me?”

Natsume jumped when Tanuma snapped his head towards him, just like he had just insulted him. Tanuma opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. That nothing was enough for Natsume to realize. 

Now it was his turn to flush.

Tanuma observed as Natsume desperately searched for a place to rest his gaze, avoiding Tanuma’s at any cost.

Then Natsume stilled. When he looked back at Tanuma again, his brows were furrowed. He didn’t say anything though, probably searching for words. Tanuma would have waited if this had been any other day, any other situation. But his usual patience seemed to have suddenly flown out a window.

“I’ll go call the Fujiwaras for you.” 

A hand caught his wrist before he could fully get on his feet, causing him to stumble back down on his knees a little harder than he would have liked.

“Ah, sorry!”

Before Tanuma could answer that it was fine Natsume threw him a look that told him he’d be better off quiet and without trying to leave again. So he complied and waited. Waited for Natsume to find the kindest words he could in this situation.

Tanuma should have planned this better, but there was nothing he could do now that everything was out in the open. Welp. Everyone screws up sometimes, he thought. (Like this wasn’t more than a screw up.)

But then something unexpected happened.

_Natsume’s hand._

Tanuma hadn’t moved a muscle.

But Natsume had.

And now his hand was in Tanuma’s.

_Haha?_

“You’re right, Tanuma, I don’t think you’re a bad person.”

Okay. Gulp.

“Okay.”

“It really isn’t true at all, but I can’t stop you from thinking so. I sometimes do too-”

Tanuma was about to protest.

“But you won’t let me, so I just don’t say it.”

Careful, prodding, Natsume continued.

“I think I kind of understand what you’re saying, though. I’ve felt something similar, although that was a long time ago.”

Something stirred inside Tanuma. He didn’t know enough about the home environment Natsume had lived with as a child. But he knew. The sad hint behind Natsume’s eyes said enough.

“I’m not too good at expressing myself either.”

_But you already know that._

Tanuma knew that’s what the other was thinking.

“I don’t necessarily think you have to change if you don’t want to, Tanuma. However..”

Tanuma was a little too aware of the way Natsume pressed his hand tighter.

“I want you to be happy. And I want you to want to be happy. That’s all that matters to me, so.. so..”

There it was again. Pink cheeks, long eyelashes. _Get a grip Tanuma Kaname._

“If I can help you in any way, please tell me. I don’t wish for anything more.”

As flattered as he was, Tanuma felt a sour taste at the back of his mouth. Help.. Help. Tanuma had never thought he needed something like that. If anything, Natsume was the one who he should be helping. Because Natsume was the one who was always dealing with living in two worlds. Because Natsume was the one who’s life was threatened just by living his everyday life. Natsume who’d gone through hell and back since his parents died. Natsume who.. Natsume who..

Tanuma knew it wasn’t logical to compare pain, the world couldn’t keep spinning if it worked like that.

So maybe.

Maybe it was okay to be a little selfish.

“Can I.. have a hug?”

Natsume looked surprised but Tanuma didn’t falter. 

Maybe it was silly, but the question was genuine. He knew Natsume wasn’t a person who’d usually initiate anything physical, as a matter of fact- Tanuma wasn’t either. Besides that, Tanuma couldn’t actually remember the last time he had gotten a hug. His dad must have hugged him, especially when he was younger, but Tanuma couldn’t really pinpoint any memory. Other than that.. A word was dancing around inside his head: 

_Mother._

Ah.

That wasn’t something he really wanted to unpack right now, not in front of Natsume.

He simply thought a hug would be nice. He couldn’t really ask anyone other than Natsume either. Of course, he also wanted a hug because this was Natsume.

The cicadas were singing again as Natsume carefully wrapped his arms around Tanuma, like the force of his arms would break him if he wasn’t careful.

It hit him then that this was what their relationship was like. A cautious dance where every move was balanced. They always acted like they were afraid the other could disappear because of a tiny mistake. That wasn’t true, though. Neither of them were going to disappear.

So Tanuma hugged Natsume closer, resting his chin on his shoulder. Tanuma didn’t care if this was a little awkward. He really didn’t want it to be either, so he stopped thinking about it. Taking a deep breath, he felt that familiar warmth well up inside him and tried to ignore his still beating heart. Maybe Natsume felt it against his own chest.

Tanuma felt the other boy relax too. He should be selfish more often. Well, if Natsume would let him.

“I like you, Tanuma. Just the thought that you might feel the same..”

_Huh?_

Tanuma promptly lifted his head, but he didn’t dare break the embrace.

_“Like?”_

Hesitant fingers found their place on Tanuma’s nape, trailing up to play with the long jet black strands that covered it. Tanuma felt chills cover every inch of his skin.

“N-Natsume?” He didn’t mean for his voice to come out so panicked, but frankly that’s how he felt.

They parted and Tanuma didn’t have time to prepare for what was awaiting him.

A wonky smile.

And then the confession.

_“Like._

_.. Love._

Whatever you’d like to call it.”

Tanuma felt dizzy.

Wobbly arms reached out for another embrace.

_(Mostly so Tanuma could hide in the crook of Natsume’s neck.)_

Every part of his body felt funny. He was too aware of everything. Oxygen entered his lungs and distributed out to the very ends of his fingers. They were tingling. His right leg had fallen asleep because of their funny position. And one of Natsume’s hairs were tickling his cheek.

He was hot, almost feverish.

He wanted to stay like that, and Natsume just let him. Because Natsume was too kind for his own good.

“Tanuma. If.. If I really am that special, do you feel anything right now?”

The raven haired boy straightened his arms, a hand placed on each of Natsume’s shoulders. There was something new in the depths of his dark eyes, Natsume found.

“I’m happy. 

I’m really, really happy. There might be a part of me that still feels left behind but,” once again he shook his head, “I don’t want to think about that right now. I didn’t know that I could still feel like this, I don’t want it to go away. I don’t want today to just be one of the better days. But I.. I know it won’t be gone just like that. Right now I want to change if it means I can love someone like this. But tomorrow everything might be like yesterday or the day before.. All of this is overwhelming to be honest. Still, I’m happy. You make me happy.”

“You too.” Natsume looked down at their hands, intertwining them.

“You make me happy.”

_Maybe._

_Just maybe._

“Natsume, I might be really horrible at it but-”

_Being a little more selfish would be okay._

“Can I kiss you?”

Natsume seemed to brace himself before daring to meet Tanuma’s eyes again.

A nod.

And so they moved closer, hesitantly and way too slowly for Tanuma’s taste but he couldn’t help it, his body didn’t seem to be listening to him.

Then their lips met.

Maybe it wasn’t anything special, just an innocent kiss, a result of the summer heat.

But it was electrifying.

The shock going through Tanuma’s body forced his eyes open. Turned out Natsume had experienced the same thing.

They had no choice but to part after that, because so close together their faces looked way too funny.

Like aliens.

Their own song overpowered the cicadas’.

A song consisting of laughter and giggles.

Two smiles.

“More?”

“Okay, 

but let’s keep our eyes closed this time.”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so yes I projected a shit ton onto Tanuma bc I'm love starved and I want to feel warm inside   
> I started writing this between online classes and finished later today so yes this is actually just word vomit.  
> Anyway Natsume and Tanuma are my biggest comfort characters, I can't describe how much they mean to me so I hope that shines through somehow....  
> I'm actually very happy with this 
> 
> Ps. Please give me comments I need attention to make up for my lack of a girlfriend


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